confession

I have 10 remaining days before I go to California, and from there I go to Uganda.
I have these streams of thought that tell me I Don't Know If I Can Do This. It keeps me up at night, and keeps me in solitude during the day...
-- still, I am without a doubt convinced about the goodness of this
-- I am hungry for Truth and Love and Suffering...as though these forms of God were a magnet, pulling me.

I don't want others to know that I'm scared, I want to be brave...because when I'm brave, others can be brave, too.
And so, for them (my family, my friends) I remain in this state of Trust and Faith. And from this comes a passion, a will to follow where I believe I am meant to go.

Last night I went dancing, a weekly celebration of being alive and staying alive. On the way there I became more overwhelmed than before.

I sat alone in the parking lot, hushed with a slight panic, smoking my clove cigarette and I felt so afraid. What will it be like to leave everyone again? Will they be alright? Will I be alright?
I walked away before the noise was too loud in my head.... but not before I asked two people to pray for me. One said, "Be strong, you can do this", the other said, "I promise to pray for you everyday until you return". When others are brave, I can be brave.

I find peace in knowing that others are praying for me more often than I pray for myself. No matter how far I stray, I always, always find comfort in hearing those five words...I will pray for you. It is the most lovely secret confession that a person can offer me. Quietly, I hear the words of a Kindred say... I will mention your name to The One that I pray to... and I know a Lace of Love will surround me. And I know God knows my secret, and he follows me as I trace hearts in my palm. He literally shows me signs each day to say, "I'm here"...



The Alchemist says, When you choose to follow your destiny, the whole universe conspires in your favor.
The Shepard boy in that story went to Africa, just like me.


I admit: I am afraid...but I am devoted.



By the Grace of God, in times of fear I end up being grateful.



I believe there are two great things that humans can say: I love you and I hear you. These are the things that I know to be true of God...and from our lips they speak his Truth and our capacity.

When I am afraid, let me know you can hear me.